England,  Independent travel,  Transport,  Travel Blog

Borderline Ridiculous 

October 24, 2022 /

I think it’s fair to say that my relationship with technology is an unsteady one. Machines and gadgets which work perfectly well in the hands of others quickly malfunction once I get involved. It’s not just technology either: for instance, hand driers in public toilets often don’t respond to my presence and I’ve sometimes had to ask some mystified stranger to put his hands under the sensor in order to get the damn thing to work.

Touch screens, even at cashpoints, are unpredictable, iphones and ipads pass into mysterious phases which only Michaela can dispel, and when I was working, my ability to bring any machine or IT gadget to its metaphorical knees was legendary. And yes, we’ve got stuck in a lift (elevator).

What’s this got to do with a travel blog? E-passports, that’s what. Is anyone out there suffering from the same backwards progress with technology that I am?

My last passport expired in 2020. Using that document to re-enter the UK was at best hit and miss, in that the machine at the border gave me a positive response on roughly 50% of occasions. I’d like to say the relationship was touch and go but “touch and go” is exactly what I couldn’t bloody do.

Now that I have a nice shiny new e-passport with a state-of-the-art chip, what could possibly go wrong?

In short, everything. So far, it’s a 100% failure rate. As I place that passport on to the sensor, then look up at the camera, my heart sinks as the dreaded words “seek assistance” appear, inevitably, on the screen. Oh for Gods sake, here we go again. But those words are just the start of it.

You see, what happens next is, anyone for whom the computer says no, has to go and join what is effectively the “others” queue – in other words, the queue for people who are not carrying a UK, or EU, or other “friendly” passport. Typically, there will be just one or two booths open to deal with what is usually a giant queue and, of course, this is the very queue which will generate queries over people’s right to enter the UK.

Once such a query crops up, the process grinds to a halt as we all wait in line, not always patiently. And remember, this is me trying to get back into my own country, whereas the vast majority of the queue are not doing any such thing.

The outcome? At Gatwick a few weeks ago, returning from Mexico, it took me over 40 minutes to reach the booth. At Stansted this week, returning from Italy, it was even longer at just over an hour. Remember, these are times IN ADDITION to the time already spent in the initial queue, in order to get to the e-passport machine.

On both occasions, a fed up Michaela has long since collected the bags off the carousel by the time my weary form trudges into the terminal.

I don’t understand why I have to join a queue which will by definition be occupied by potential queries and delays. After all, it isn’t my fault that the machinery doesn’t work, is it. Why isn’t there a simple quick way of dealing with those of us who get the dreaded “seek assistance” display? It’s becoming a torture to get back into my own country.

Oh yes. It’s worth saying….the e-passport has NEVER failed when entering another country, it just fails on re-entering the UK. And also worth saying….I wear glasses. On advice of the authorities, my passport photograph was taken with my glasses removed, and I remove them before I pose for the camera at border control.

Have I asked the border officials why it doesn’t work? Yes. The reply…

“No idea, Sir”.

Well I have no bloody idea either but it’s no fun, I can tell you.

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